One day while watching an episode of “Say Yes to the Dress” I asked my husband, “What kind of wedding dress do you like?”
Derrick replied, with a little twinkle in his eye, “the wedding dress that is on the floor.”
After wedding sex is great. Sex after the honeymoon is great but at the end of the day after….
Getting three kids read for school
Throwing a load of laundry in wash,
Getting my self dressed
Washing the breakfast dishes
Dropping Maddie off at Kindergarten
Going to work
Picking up Maddie from school
Grabbing a few groceries
Helping the kids with their homework
Cleaning up dinner
Picking-up the house
Getting the kids ready for bed,
Getting myself ready for bed….
I don’t feel like having sex with my husband.
Admittedly, I do feel better after sex. But sometimes the sexiest word I want to hear in bed is “goodnight” and the sexiest “get my groove on” is to fall asleep.
I’ve read books about boosting my desires and things I can do such as loving myself and taking care of myself. I have found encouraging literature full of suggestions for Derrick about pursing his wife, i.e. dating and doing the dishes; nothing sexier than a man with a sink full of dirty dishes and sponge in his hand. But…
The best thing I did to spice up our sex life was to talk about my uncertainties regarding sex with my husband.
My uncertainties about sex…
Am I doing it right?
Talk about performance anxiety. Instead of focusing on the pleasure of the moment, at times I would find myself thinking about if I was “doing sex right?” What if Derrick was disappointed by my performance?
Like there is a right way to do it.
So, one time, I gather up all my courage and asked Derrick, “If I was doing it right.” After he finished laughing, he said, “I am a man. I like sex. It is as simple as that,” which opened the door for me to ask him about my second fear…
Am I boring in bed?
I am not an adventurous sex goddess. So, one day I snuck over to the “how to have sex section” at Barnes and Noble looking for some new ideas. I was so nervous I was going to get caught looking at “naughty books.” When a person walked by I would quickly put the sex book back and pretend I was looking at the cookbooks on the other shelf.
I know I am not the only women who has gotten sex tips at Barnes and Noble, otherwise why would they put them next to the cookbooks? Browsing through the pages, there were come pretty interesting moves. When I told Derrick about my escapade, he laughed again and then he said, “I married you. I don’t need fancy moves. I just need you.” Well, that brought my secret spy days to an end.
Am I attractive?
My body has gone through so many changes…having babies, getting older, stress eating, raising kids. Stretch marks, wiggle bits, gray hairs, floppy skin, and wrinkles are daily reminders of a body well used. When I die, I want my body to show I lived a good life. But I wonder about my beauty.
The bible writes about inner beauty but still I wonder if Derrick finds my outside beautiful? Does he think I am attractive or is he just having sex with me because I am the only available option? Asking Derrick about my beauty was pretty vulnerable for me. I knew the “only option for sex” question was a little insulting, He took it well. From our conversation I learned Derrick will always love me and to him I am beautiful.
Nervous about starting a conversation?
That is okay. Sex is a vulnerable conversation and it is normal to feel uncomfortable. For more helpful suggestions on how to communicate with your man check out Jim’s post on the two key rules of communication.