Most mornings people get up make some coffee, get dressed, eat breakfast, and brush their teeth. I do all the above and have added one very special activity to my morning routine…I examine the size of my body by standing naked in front of the mirror and jiggle my fat.
A couple of weeks ago while I disapprovingly grabbing handfuls of fat this thought crossed my mind…
“I wonder what God thinks about me standing in front of the mirror jiggling my fat?”
From the age of five years I knew the smaller I was the more people would love and accept me. I grew-up without media. But I did grow up with a grandmother and mother who based their worthiness on small thighs and a tiny waist.
I started weighing myself daily in the 7th grade and I dreaded the scale. The number was more than a number. The number on the scale was my mood for the day, a measurement of my worthiness, beauty, and lovability. Gaining was dissatisfaction and losing was a high.
Three years ago (I am now 37 years old) while I was walking to the scale at the gym, I felt this soft voice say, “You no longer need the scale to be worthy.” And I thought, “Okay” and walked away from the scale. I have been walking away from the scale for three years. But let me tell you, the first month of not weighing myself was like going off of crack. I experienced trouble sleeping, irritability, feeling restless, nervous, and an intense craving to weigh myself. I had no idea how addicted I was to the scale.
Last night I was paging through Isaiah, and in the columns I noticed I had written several times, “Lord, help me to get rid of my idols.” I wrote these words over seven years ago. I do not know if I knew what my idols were at the time, but looking back I now realize the scale was one of my idols.
Back to the mirror, I think God laughs and says, “Oh my child, when are you going to see you are enough for me jiggle bits and all.”
I am getting myself ready to give-up finding myself worth in the mirror. With each step of walking away from worthiness constructed from size of my thighs, I walk towards my Father who not only accepts me just as I am he loves me.
When I find myself getting anxious about how I look I press each of my fingers with my thumb and tenderly whisper to myself, “I am enough. I am loveable. I am worthy. I am beautiful.”