Maureen

Rock this Mother’s Day: What your mom REALLY wants for a gift!

So what is the BEST Mother’s Day Gift idea?

Instinctively, without reading any farther, you probably already know the answer to this.

If you think back to your own experience as a child, when you inevitably posed this question to your own mother, she replied with something like:

“I just want to spend time together as a family,” or “I would love one day when you kids got along with each other without bickering or fighting,” or “I’d love anything handmade by you.”

I chalk these up to tired mothers who knew that they wouldn’t get what they REALLY wanted, so they said the noble thing.

As someone for whom motherhood did not come easily (my husband and I struggled with infertility and multiple miscarriages), you’d think it would be enough for me just to be able to say, “I’m a mother.” And indeed, in my better moments, it IS enough.

But when the human side of me emerges, I must admit that most Mother’s Days have been disappointing because I didn’t get what I wanted.

What I would REALLY like for a Mother’s Day gift:

Which is this: to have one day when I don’t do everything I instinctively do as a mother every day, and NOT to have it look like I took the day off.

The day would look something like this:

1. We’d arrive at church as a family, all clean, well-groomed, happy, fed, and on time. I would be calm, collected, able to concentrate on the service and the words of each hymn and prayer, rejoicing in the blessings that God has given me.

I would have arrived in this state because I didn’t have to do a diaper change as we were heading out the door, deal with grumpy teen-agers, or make provisions for potential melt-downs during church.

2. We’d come home to a tidy house (no sports gear or doggy-do in the entry way, laundry done, folded and put away, mail reckoned with and properly stowed), ready to enjoy a hearty meal, gathered around the table in peace and joy.

3. There might be a gift or two for me to open. Ideally, it would be one I didn’t have to hint for (or purchase and wrap myself), but one that was selected based upon my family’s keen awareness of my interests, hobbies, and even needs (hint: scrapbooking supplies, a CD holder for the visor in the van, a book I’ve mentioned wanting to read).

4. My children would clean the kitchen (willingly and thoroughly) after the meal. Hey–I can dream, can’t I?

5. I’d have a few hours in the afternoon to spend on a leisurely pursuit (biking, reading, talking with my own mom).

~ That’s it! ~

Last year while doing the Mother’s Day postgame with a friend, I was struck by how similar our feelings were about this holiday. She reported having asked her children for a day when they got along without bickering, and her older child said, “Can’t we just to buy you something?”

My friend and I agreed that we want what is probably not realistic: a day off for good behavior… Maybe what we each want for the day is a wife!

>> Join in! What’s your ideal gift -or- the best gift you’ve ever given for Mother’s Day???

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How important is it for my kids to fit in?

Healthy Relationships, Mom Life

And how much should I sacrifice to make it happen?

I clearly remember the day my older daughter learned to climb the ladder of the play set in our back yard. She had just turned two, and I remember thinking, “There she goes!” It was another step on her road to independence, and I realized in a new way that one of my biggest jobs as a mom is to gradually let her go.

A big part of that job is helping her (and our other two children) navigate society’s expectations. Clearly, we all have a need to fit in, but as a parent I quickly learned that balancing our own values with cultural norms and pressures is a daily task. So, how important is it for us to see our kids “fit in”? And how much should we sacrifice to make it happen?

Huge questions with no simple answers.

But here are a few thoughts on how to approach them.

Know your own child.

Each child has her own personality, her own way of interacting with other children, and even her own level of tolerance for socializing. One may need lots of interaction with friends, while another may be content to spend time alone. In either case, our job as parents is to help each child grow into the person God has created her to be, recognizing personality traits and preferences and encouraging them to grow in wisdom and grace.

Connect with other parents.

It’s easier to get “the lay of the land” by socializing or getting to know other parents of your kids’ friends. This often happens on the sidelines of kids’ activities or while helping organize, chaperone, or facilitate a school (or homeschool) event.

By gathering other adult input on the social climate your child functions in, you can better help him with advice and perspective. For me, it’s always refreshing when I encounter another parent who shares my values (and I invariably discover that my daughter ISN’T the only 7^th grader without a Facebook account!).

Stay grounded.

It is important to assess and affirm your own values, particularly in the face of the media-saturated culture we live in. Don’t be afraid to place limits on the kind of entertainment you will allow your children to access. This gets more difficult as kids grow older, and it calls for loving, measured dialogue and an emerging sense of trust.

It’s also important to acknowledge the power of advertising in making kids feel like outsiders. Any of us can feel left out if we don’t have the latest iPhone, the most stylish clothes, or the best sports equipment. And as parents, we want the best for our children, so it is tempting to go overboard in providing them these things.

But try to step back and consider the values of delayed gratification, being content with something that is good enough, and not constantly feeding their need to have more. It can be a tiring prospect, which is why we need to pray for God’s guidance and strength.

Acknowledge whose need it is.

In other words, is it important to your child that she fit in, or is it important to YOU? This is where we as parents need to examine our own motives, and maybe even our own past. It can be tempting to live through our kids, to try to give them the things we never had. But this places unfair expectations on them. There needs to be separation between their lives and our own.

Consider the meaning of “sacrifice.”

Usually we use the word to connote “giving something up,” particularly time or money, in order for someone else to have something. In other words, how much money or time should I “sacrifice” to assure that my child fits in?

But when we consider the root meaning of “sacrifice,” which is actually “to make holy,” that’s another whole matter. Am I making a holy choice by giving of my time and/or my money to provide this opportunity or item for my child? Is this choice for my child’s good? Many times, the answer is yes. Other times it is no. We have to be in constant dialogue with God about these choices and open to the Spirit’s loving direction.

Yes, our children gradually move, a step at a time, out of our grasp and into the world around them. With grace and care, we will help them develop a true sense of themselves as cherished children of the Father who fit in beautifully in the kingdom of his Son. Now that is a sacrifice worth making!

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A Day in the life of a Special Needs Mom

Mom Life

About seven hours after our son David was born, we learned that he has Down syndrome. We received a packet of information for parents in our situation, including the famous essay by Emily Perl Kingsley, “Welcome to Holland.”

The gist of her composition is that entering the world of special-needs parenting can feel like landing in Holland when you were headed for Italy. It’s slower and not as glamorous, but it has a beauty all its own.

Her essay has been a good metaphor for me as I continue to learn about “Holland.” I’d extend the metaphor to suggest that a trip to Italy (i.e. parenting a typically-developing child) includes a guide book made up of “ages and stages,” growth charts, and plentiful advice from experienced parents. Parenting in Holland, however, is like traveling without the guide book, partly because every child with special needs is special in his or her own particular way, and partly because these parents and their children are fewer and farther between. This is not to say that resources don’t exist; but honestly, they haven’t been a great help as we try to learn what David’s strengths and challenges are and how to address them.

So—what’s a day like with David?

It’s trying to be patient with an almost-ten-year-old who isn’t yet potty-trained. It’s trying to understand what he is saying (his speech is intelligible about 50% of the time). It’s being awakened in the middle of the night to change his diaper.

It’s being elated when, at the age of 8 ½ , he receives his first invitation to a birthday party. It’s trips to occupational and speech therapy, filling out paperwork for special services, getting his orthotics resized, listening to him sing his favorite VBS songs over and over (and over!), wrangling with him to floss and brush his teeth, hearing the soundtrack to “Toy Story” as he watches it for the thousandth time, watching him play with our little dog, wondering where he hid the phone (and hoping he didn’t dial 911 again!), and cleaning up after him.

But it is ever so much more.

It is marveling at his teachers, therapists, and care-givers, who personify all of what’s right about the human race. It is melting as he hugs a complete stranger and seeing the joy that spreads over the unsuspecting person’s face. It is hearing him pray in the middle of the living room and joining in when he asks me. It is wondering what goes on in his mind when he is daydreaming or sleeping or staring out the car window. It is finding Barney in the clothes hamper. It is finding the phone right next to Barney.

It is meditating on his name—David, which means “beloved,” and realizing that we gave him exactly the right name. It is growing in the conviction that God’s ways are not our ways, and that David was created exactly as God desired him to be. It is longing for heaven when we will know as we are known, and when we will know David as God knows him.

P.S. If you have another minute, read Maureen’s post: “How to be a good friend to so a family with a Special Needs Child” –it’s full of great ideas & encouragement!

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What to say to a friend considering divorce

Healthy Relationships

Note from the editor: This is in no way meant to be a judgment on anyone who has gotten a divorce or who is considering one. It is simply answering a question posed by a reader and is the opinion of the author.

So what should you say to a friend who is considering getting a divorce?

I’ll own up to three convictions here in addressing this difficult subject.

First, I believe that divorce is destructive: for relationships, for families, and for the well-being of our society.

Second, I believe that divorce is too easy: our culture encourages a “quit when things get rough” approach instead of an attitude of perseverance and commitment.

And third, I believe that nobody ultimately wants to get a divorce but rather sees it as the lesser of two negative options: either stay in a bad relationship or get out.

That said, there are times when divorce is necessary. If unaddressed abuse or infidelity is present in a marriage, clearly there are grounds for divorce. No one should endure abuse, whether verbal, emotional, or physical. And if someone’s spouse is unfaithful, then major damage has already happened in the relationship. Divorce is not inevitable in these cases, but they do require extensive healing and repair.

With that said, what do you say to a friend considering a divorce?

So about that friend who is talking about getting a divorce. Your first role is to listen attentively and sympathetically. So much depends on the kind of friendship this is: is it a casual acquaintance, another mom from your child’s sports team, or a friend you’ve known for many years? The depth of your listening and your sharing may be determined by how well you know this friend.

Next, it’s important to determine what your friend is seeking from you. Does she need a sounding board? Does she need to hear herself talk out loud about something she’s trying to figure out? Is she looking for advice? Or is she in danger—is she crying for help?

If you’ve ruled out any concern for her safety, try proceeding with a few questions. You can ask for further information about why she’s considering this. You might say, “Divorce is a pretty big step. Why are you considering it?”

Throughout the conversation, it can be helpful to both of you if you summarize what she has said. For example, “So what I’m hearing you say is…” This can clarify the matter, help her sort things out, or even bring her to a new realization.

Unasked for advice is criticism

It’s also helpful for you to remain objective but also validating. In other words, you can say, “Wow, what you’re going through sounds really hard” without offering opinions about her husband or adding to the emotion she’s already working to contain.

You might also take a step back and reflect on why she is broaching this subject with you. Likely she sees something in you that makes you an ally, a resource, or a witness. Perhaps you have a strong marriage yourself, and she wonders how she and her spouse can also attain that. Or you have lived experience that she sees as valuable. You may have connections to other people who could help her: a pastor, a counselor, someone knowledgeable in working with marriages.

In the end, it isn’t your job to talk them out of a divorce or fix it

Remember that most forms of marriage vows contain some variation of “for better or worse.” You may be that anchor for your friend who is going through a “worse” time…and with your support and God’s grace, she and her spouse will progress to “better.”

But no matter what happens, it is not your job to talk your friend out of a divorce (even if you are both Christians or any faith), and it isn’t your job to to “fix it” for her. Rather, listen to her, lover her and pray for her heart to be turned back to her marriage. Pray for her to have insight into the man that her husband has become, to be able to respect and appreciate him. And pray that as she turns back to him, he will reciprocate.

Blessings, grace and peace to you as you support your friend!

P.S. If you have another minute, don’t miss my husband Jim’s tips for lowering stress…my girls always laugh as soon as he starts to say: “Don’t make your amygdala any bigger!” …but it really does work! :)

P.P.S. May I ask a favor? Would you follow us on Pinterest or like us on Facebook? It’s a great way to keep in touch!

How to deal with difficult family during the holidays

Christmas

There’s no place like home for the holidays……and isn’t that a relief? No, really—I think almost everyone can relate to the inevitable stress that comes from gathering with relatives during the holidays. Even those we’re glad to see can be a source of discomfort and even conflict. How to approach this challenge with difficult family members?

The Serenity Prayer comes to mind here, with its three parts that offer such wise counsel. Let’s take them one at a time (though not in the usual order).

1) “To change the things I can”

I suggest tweaking this slightly to read “to control the things I can.” In other words, try to spend time with your relatives when you’re well-rested, well-nourished, when your kids aren’t strung out (i.e. sugar-dosed, sleep-deprived, travel-exhausted, etc.). If you can meet some of your own (and your family’s) bodily needs for nutrition, hydration, exercise, and rest, you’re more likely to stay in control of your emotions and better able to let uninformed/snarky/nosey/otherwise uncomfortable comments pass. In other words, you’ll be able to…

2) “Accept the things I cannot change.”

Think about the family gathering(s) you’re likely to participate in this season. Most often, it’s a mish-mash of people who come from different walks of life, have different views on politics, religion, the economy, entertainment, etc. Is it any wonder that it’s hard to get along? On a day-to-day basis, most of us are pretty successful at choosing our company and knowing how to relate to them. But at family gatherings, it’s a much more diverse setting. Even though behaviors and attitudes drive you nuts, in reality you’re not likely to change. Unless…

3)“The wisdom to know the difference.”

Maybe the Lord is calling you to be the agent of change. This wisdom to know what to accept and what to try to change is one of the fruits of prayer. Start praying now for the guidance to conduct yourself lovingly, to speak your truth when necessary, and to remain quiet and listen actively at other times.

A number of years ago, a large group of church leaders gathered with the operating principle: “In essential matters—unity; in doubtful matters—freedom; in all matters—charity.” In other words: try to be of the same mind in the really big issues (you have to determine what’s essential!); but in things that might not be crucial, give people room to disagree. And in everything, let love guide and rule you.

That might be a good approach for each of us as we return home for the holidays.

HOW DO YOU DEAL with difficult relatives? Please share below!!!

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How to comfort a grieving friend who has lost a close loved one

Healthy Relationships, What to Say When...

In my job as a pastoral minister, I often work with families who are grieving. So when I consider the title of this post, I’m moved to comment—first of all—on what NOT to say to a friend who’s lost a loved one. So I’ll begin there and move on to some helpful things to say.

What NOT to say:

1. “I know how you feel.” Even if you have experienced a loss very similar to the person you’re trying to comfort, it is never really the case that you know how another person feels. While you may be able to relate, let that empathy be expressed in alternate ways (see below).

2. “God never gives you more than you can handle.” This can imply that your friend is weak if she’s having a hard time bearing up under the loss.

3. “He/she is in a better place.” Again, this statement is intended to be comforting but can be received differently, i.e. “His/her life here was bad; it’s a good thing he/she has moved on.”

4. “Call me if you need anything.” People who are grieving are so inundated with tasks, contacts, and emotions that they frequently forget who offered help. A better line is, “I’ll call you tonight/tomorrow/next week to see what you need.”

5. “He/she wouldn’t want you to be sad.” This statement invalidates the person’s grief. It’s important for the person to be able to cry, feel sad or any of the other emotions that accompany grief.

Some suggestions on what TO say:

1. “I am so sorry for your loss.” Or even, “I am so sorry for the pain you are going through.”

2. “I am here for you.” All the better if you can translate that into some concrete presence: e.g. to run errands for the person, cook a meal, offer to take the person out to lunch or take care of her children, etc.

3. “I am praying for you.” Maybe your friend would like you to spend some time in prayer with her. Ask her!

4. “I can tell you loved him/her very much.” This line gives your friend an opportunity to share about her loved one who has died.

Should I send Flowers?:

While flowers are a lovely gesture, it may be nice to wait a little while to send them. In the midst of the immediate grief, they may not be noticed. But sending them a week or two later to let your friend know that you are still thinking of her can be powerful.

Overall…

When in doubt, say nothing at all. Silent presence is a powerful gift. The willingness to be with a person in silence takes courage, trust in the Spirit, and vulnerability. Perhaps the best thing to offer is a hug and a shoulder to cry on. And tissue, of course!

What has been helpful to you when you were grieving? Please share below!

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