By Jim – Page 2

Grieving Through the Holidays: Part 3 of 3

By Jim, Christmas, Effective Living, Healthy Relationships

In my last two blogs (Grieving through the Holidays: Part 1 and Grieving through the Holidays: Part 2) I identified seven tips for grieving through the Holiday. I pray that those have helped you or a loved one who need this information.

In this last blog I will discuss the last three tips. May the Lord use this information to help give strength, peace, and new life.

8) Understand you are not alone.

There is a universal and particular side to all suffering. In a universal way, I understand the pain of losing a loved one (my Mom died in 1995, my dad died in 2005, and we have had seven miscarriages since 1995).

It is good to know that universally, there are many people who understand some of what we go through when we grieve. However, there is a particular side to suffering as well. Particularly, you can never fully understand my suffering nor can I fully understand your suffering because I am not you and you are not me. It is good to recognize this, but we need to decide to focus on the universal side of suffering because if we focus too long on the particular side it becomes too self-absorbed and we buy the lie that “nobody understands.”

Try this today: If you feel like “nobody understands” the depth of your pain, tell yourself that is only half true: that universally, many people understand what you are going through and remind yourself that Jesus understands totally and has redeemed all suffering that we will ever go through.

9) You may have to tell people what you need.

Unfortunately, we live in a society that does not know how to respond well to grief issues. There are many ludicrous, uninformed, and downright foolish statements that people tell us to bring us “comfort.” I truly believe that people do not mean to bring us harm in these circumstances, but rather they really do not know what to say. If you feel up to it, you can gently remind them that what you really need to hear is, “I am sorry for your loss.” When we grieve, these validating words can be balm for our souls.

Try this today: If you feel called to assertiveness and to a teaching role, practice this statement: “Thanks for your concern, but what I really need to hear is, ‘I am sorry for your loss.’” For more information on this topic, please read my wife’s blog (Maureen) How to comfort a grieving friend who has lost a close loved one.

10) When you are able to, laugh a little.

When we laugh the brain releases endorphins, which are morphine-like chemicals that our brain gives us! We need to balance the heaviness of grief with laughter. Our loved ones want us to do this.

Try this today: Pull out some funny photos of your loved ones and let the laughter come. Or watch some old funny and good TV shows (Andy Griffith, Beverly Hillbillies, etc) and let the laughter come. If the tears come that is okay too. Humans can feel joy and sadness at the same time.

My deepest prayer is that these top ten tips will be of great value to you, or a loved one who is grieving as we enter into the Holiday Season. May God bless you with healing.

Grieving through the Holidays: Part 1 and Grieving through the Holidays: Part 2

Let’s keep in touch:

You might also like:

>> 4 Easy Steps to a Christmas {Emotional} Detox
>> Pre-Christmas Worksheet to reduce Stress & Anxiety
>> How to comfort a grieving friend who has lost a close loved one

Revitalizing your marriage Part 2: Two Key Rules of Communication

By Jim, Healthy Relationships

Two key rules of communication: what is heard is more important than what is said, and agree on what time is too late to carry on difficult conversations.

No matter what the relationship is: parent, spouse, or friend these truths are going to help revitalize any relationship. My hope and prayer is that you can use these two major keys of relationships to open up a new level of openness and peacefulness in your relationships.

First Key: what is HEARD is always infinitely more important that what is SAID!

How do we use this key to revitalize relationships?

We start by seeing the critical importance of clarifying statements so that we don’t fall into the viral trap of misunderstanding each other. Although there are many clarifying statements one can use, a simple one that I teach is to say: “what I heard you say was (repeat the main theme of what was said)…is that correct?” Using this phrase after a person talks goes a long way because it gives the speaker a chance to understand what was heard and to change any content if needed.

When used properly clarifying statements can help heal and enhance relationships so that they can thrive!

Second Key: Agree on what time is too late to carry on difficult conversations.

This key was developed by my wife and I early on in our marriage (we have been married since 1995). We noticed a pattern to some of our more difficult arguments: they were late at night. When we observed this and we understood how our brains make simple logical mistakes when we are tired (mistakes not made when we are well-rested) we decided on the law that we were never going to discuss a potentially difficult conversation after 9:00 PM.

The reason this is so important is because as we get tired the prefrontal cortex gets slower and a little sloppy. The prefrontal cortex is the logical controller of the brain that is used to out-vote the emotional impulses of the brain. You can see the reason why it is very important that the prefrontal cortex is well rested during a potentially difficult conversation!

When my wife and I made this decision, we immediately reaped tremendous benefits and our relationship was revitalized.

How about you? Do you need to set a time boundary? If so, please do it, you will be amazed at how this little change can create such a huge blessing.

If you have another minute, you can read the first part of this series here: Cut out this one thing for a stronger marriage today!

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Revitalizing Your Marriage: Part 1

By Jim, Featured, Healthy Relationships

Change is in the air! We see it all over in nature as the the trees let go of the old to make eventual room for the new. This truth of nature got me thinking about what do I need to let go of so that my relationships can become revitalized.

The first thing that I need to work on letting go is sarcasm. This little word is packed with a nasty punch. The word sarcasm is from a Greek word, and it literally means “to tear the flesh off.” A relationship that uses sarcasm will not thrive because it is tough to grow when the flesh keeps getting torn off.

I have worked with many couples and parents who have seen the devastation that this habit can bring to a relationship. I remember one husband who I was working with told me: “Jim, you’ll kill me if I can’t use sarcasm…its who I am!”

I told him what I need to tell myself at times: “you weren’t born using sarcasm, it is a learned behavior; so the good news is you can let go of this old behavior and learn communication behaviors that are better for your relationships.”

He listened to me and we worked on him letting go of sarcasm. He was open to this change, and it demanded that he listen to his wife if she said the key phrase “I just heard sarcasm, could I have a different response?” It didn’t heal over night, and we had to go through a little winter time of change. But they made steady progress as he learned how to drop this old habit in order to develop a new one. As he let go of sarcasm his wife really started to appreciate it and their marriage got back on the track of new life that God desired for them.

How about you? Are there any sarcastic responses hat you need to drop in your relationships? If there are please give it some serious thought and prayer. If you are wondering about it, ask your loved one straight up and they will tell you if sarcasm is an issue. If it is an issue take time to set up new routines so that new life-giving habits can be developed.

May God deeply bless your fall season as you pray about dropping some old behaviors in order to bring about new, life–giving habits in your relationships. Peace.

To read part two of revitalizing your marriage, click here! (It’s all about what we HEAR our partner saying :)

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Back to School Stress Busters: Part 1

By Jim, Mom Life

Recently around the dinner table our family was talking about the new school schedule that will soon be upon us. Many students (and parents) right now are stressed.

Maybe your stress is from your young adult starting college, or your oldest beginning pre-school, or all the challenges in between; no matter what the source of stress may be, I hope these “stress busters” can help ease your transitions.

Back to School Stress Busters:

1) Teach your children they can lower their stress…you have to believe this first :)

We do not have to be victims of high stress in our lives, and when we learn this truth we can teach it to our children.

Stress is a normal part of life in our broken world. The problem comes when children and adults don’t make time to “de-stress.” When we don’t make consistent time to de-stress it can lead to anxiety, depression, eating disorders, or a whole host of other very difficult physical, spiritual, or mental difficulties.

Very early on in the life of our children we need to teach them that stress is normal and we can lower our stress levels by doing certain things every day, the rest of this blog and the my two other blogs this month will contain very specific steps to help lower the stress levels of children and adults.

2. Name it, re-frame it, and tame it!

Once you know you got some stress we have to name it. This may sound weird and almost silly, but we need to learn the wisdom of the ancients. During Biblical times if you knew the name of somebody you had some power over that person. That is why God never reveals His name to Jacob when they wrestled in the Book of Genesis; nobody can have power over God. So, when we name our stress we have a certain power over it.

With children ages 4 to 10 that can be asking them to draw out (re-frame) what their stress or worries look like. Ask these children to name their stress as well, it could be a weird made-up name. By naming it, it will separate the stress from themselves: they are not the problem. For example, maybe your child names their stress “Franken-worry,” the next time your child is feeling stressed out, they can say “Franken-worry” is back. That is our cue to help our child get rid of Franken-worry (learn more about deep breathing here, and teaching your kids how stress works here). After a month or so of applying strategies, it is helpful to ask your child to draw their stress again. If all goes well it should be smaller and less scary.

With teenagers it might be asking them to name what they are worried about and asking them on a scale of 1 to 10 (10 is highest), how high is the stress right now? You would also want to ask teens what they think they can do about it, and help them come up with solutions (the further reading below is helpful for them, too).

If stress continues and there seems to be no help from these small blogs, professional help might be the best way to go: www.aacc.net or www.family.org are two good referral websites.

Further reading: Back To School Stress Busters: Part 2, Back To School Stress Busters: Part 3

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Back to School Stress Busters: Part 2

By Jim, Effective Living, Mom Life

Stress is in the air as we get ready to go back to school. We need to help our children navigate this stress, and we do this best by first learning how to bust our own stress. Keep reading for a time tested strategy to help manage our stress.

UNDERSTAND & UTILIZE DEEP BREATHING:

The body can live many weeks without food, days without water, but only a few short minutes without breath. The Hebrew word for breath can be translated as “Spirit” or “Mind.” In other words, through God’s breath of life we have been created! In the Gospel of John (20:22), Jesus breathed on His followers and gave them His Holy Spirit (Jesus’ very life)! Breath is very sacred, to breathe is to pray!

One of the greatest blessings in my life is that I have been a part-time stay at home dad since 1999. What a gift. I remember the baby stages (I love babies, but the sleepless nights are nasty…God bless all the parents of infants reading this right now!)

When an infant sleeps, what part of the infant’s body moves?

The tummy, and very rapidly because the infant’s heart rate is higher than an adult’s heart rate. Why is that important?

Because when we are fresh from God, as an infant, we know exactly how to breathe! We take full body breaths and it goes deep down into the lung which moves the diaphragm (a parachute shaped muscle that separates the chest from the gut). As air is forced to the bottom portion of the lung the diaphragm expands and the belly button pops out.

This is important because it can increase oxygen absorbption and help the heart (and every other organ in the body)!

The strategy of deep breathing is so rooted in our bodies and in Scripture that it feels too familiar to be helpful, but that is not true! Taking deep breaths can be an amazing way to help manage and lower stress.

Once we understand that the deep breaths are important we have to utilize this knowledge and teach our children. Here is how you can do it:

Lie down on your back and put a hand on your belly button and a hand on your chest. When we take a deep breath, the only hand that should more is your belly button hand. I teach count to three: 3 seconds in, hold for 3, and 3 seconds out. Once you know how to deep breath you can teach your children to pop their belly buttons out as well!

Then, take and teach the next step: when you feel any stress take a couple of deep breaths. It sounds like a cliché, but I just explained why it is critically important. It can slow our heart rate, it can interrupt the stress hormone sequence in the body, and it can help our thinking become sharper. All this from deep breathing! No wonder why it is hard-written into the wisdom of the infant!

God bless your deep breathing. Peace.

Further Reading: Back to School Stress Busters: Part 1, Back to School Stress Busters: Part 3

Back to School Stress Busters: Part 3

By Jim, Effective Living, Mom Life

“Don’t make your amygdala any bigger” I tell my children (and myself) when stress is high. Then, like clock-work, comes their response: “Daddy, we know….to you everything is about the amygdala,” and then we have a good laugh.

Do you and your children know the vital importance ofkeeping your amygdala the size God desires? If not, please keep reading.

Before we go further here is a full disclosure: I think if kids can learn a phrase like “to infinity and beyond” a kid can learn parts of the brain at an early age because it will help them for the rest of their life! In this blog lets talk about two parts of the brain that are physically connected: the amygdala and the hippocampus.

The amygdala is a small almond shaped part of the brain that is critically important for emotional learning and strong emotions like fear or aggression. The amygdala highlights negative emotions and increases stress hormones in our brain and body, this is hard wired and keeps us alive in emergencies. The problem comes when we make everything an emergency and get stressed out over the small things in life and never allow the brain to “re-set” itself and relax.

The hippocampus is a major memory center and involved in all thoughts, it is physically connected to the amygdala. That is important because as stress increases and if we don’t take time to de-stress the amygdala can actually get larger! As the amygdala gets larger, the hippocampus gets smaller!

Unchecked stress can literally make the part of the brain that says “fear” become larger, while the part of the brain that tries to help in thinking is shrinking. Are you seeing anything wrong with this picture?

When we don’t take time to de-stress our amygdala can actually get larger from the stress hormones, and before we know it the hippocampus becomes smaller our memory and some thought processes can get slower and slower. So what do we do? We make daily de-stress time a priority.

So how can we de-stress: name it, re-frame it, and tame it (read part 1 about teaching our kids to de-stress), deep breathing (part 2), daily laughter, excersize (which creates calming chemicals in our brain), playing MarioKart with your children (especially when I win), always see things in perspective: when we do it keeps the amygdala in check, tell yourself positive truths of who you are: you are a child of God and God loves you, and make sure you never send yourself negative messages…that will only serve the amygdala.

One last tip to lower stress, and it is the most important: pray every day and devote time to just sit and let God love you! God is so in love with us, we are God’s children. When we recognize and act on this basic truth we can help to de-stress every day, and then we can teach our children to do the same.

So tonight, instead of turning on the Ipad, TV, laptop, Ipod, or anything else with a screen on it, just simply sit down and let God love you by sitting quietly and telling yourself over and over again that “I am God’s child and I am good.”

God bless our efforts in keeping our amygdala the size that God intended. Peace.

Further reading: Back To School Stress Busters: Part 1, Back To School Stress Busters: Part 2