Jim

Simple changes for relational success: “Making it about me (at least once and awhile!)”

Sorry to point out the women readers with this topic, but really women need to learn this truth. “You” are a very important part of any relationship, and without your “you” working very well, the “we” will never work…it always takes at least two healthy “I’s” to make a healthy “we.”

I say “authentic” self-care because too often in our 21st century life style we can settle for less than authentic self-care: too much Facebook (or screen time), too many carbs, too many “shoulds” in our minds, and the list goes on and on.

We tend to forget the lesson of other cultures: rest and play. Every afternoon many cultures shut down for a nap, or some type of mid-afternoon rest. In our society many of us can’t do that. But we can try to not have as much unproductive screen time and invest that into hobbies that bring life. What are those hobbies?

Reading, gardening, praying, meditating, srap-booking, excersise, learning something new, playing a board game with your kids or spouse, volunteering, etc.

What about you? What is the best way that you can devote time to authentic self-care? Please don’t put it off, it is critically important for your relationships to succeed!

God bless your relationships in this New Year! Peace.

Check out the other parts of this series:

>> Simple changes for relational success: When you mess up, fess up!
>> Simple changes for relational success: Using the “F” word

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Simple changes for relational success: “Using the ‘F’ word”

By Jim, Healthy Relationships

Think really quick about the last time you apologized to a co-worker, a spouse, a child, or anybody really…what did that other person say after you said “sorry.” Ninety-five percent of the people come up with: “that’s ok.”

Really?… “that’s ok.” It is ok that I just hurt you? OK to invalidate my whole attempt at forgiveness? I think there is a much better way to do things, and this second Truth is all about it: forgiveness.

What is forgiveness? I have worked with so many coaching and therapy clients who are really stuck because they have a very difficult time seeing that forgiveness is first and foremost a decision, it is an act of the will. It does’t excuse the hurt that was done, but it is a decision to let go of the retribution.

I don’t know about you, but if I need to wait to feel like forgiving somebody it ain’t going to happen! I know myself too well. I don’t feel like forgiving people who have hurt.

But, I can do what research suggests: I can make a decision to say “I forgive you ______.” Even if the person is not around to hear these words, they help me heal.

The studies that have been done on forgiveness are very impressive. When I make a decision to forgive somebody and I can say the words “I forgive you______” some great things happens to my body: blood preassure can drop, heart rate can become healthier, my immune system works better, and my sleeping can be more restful.

Even though, I think forgiveness is primarily a decision, it is equally important to process the hurt feelings that you have with safe people. This can lead to more healing, and help our
feelings catch up the truth of forgiving somebody in our life.

How about you? Do you need to work on forgiveness? How do you define forgiveness?

We must also make it a habit of forgiving ourself. This can actually be harder than forgiving others. So when I have messed up I ask God for forgiveness and the person I have offended ( when appropriate), then I like to put my hand on my heart and say “Jim, I forgive you.”

Do you need to work on forgiving yourself? If so, please don’t put it off any longer.

This ritual of self-forgiveness is an excellent way to create a healthier you…which brings us to our last truth of transformation…making time for you!

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Simple changes for relational success: “When you mess up, fess up”

By Jim, Healthy Relationships

Happy New Year! A time for looking back to learn from mistakes, and a time to look ahead to better, more fulfilling relationships in 2014!

We are all in relationships: no matter if you are single, married, a parent, or any other walk of life, none of us are islands to ourselves. No matter how your relationships have functioned in the past, I am convinced that by following these truths, new relationship transformation can happen in this New Year!

“When you mess up, fess up.”

We are all going to make mistakes, it will happen.

I was impatient with my daughter just this morning as we were going through the “morning rituals of making…” making lunches, making sure the dog gets outside to do his business (when its -20 below zero), making sure we are all ready to go on time…you know the “making ritual.”

This morning in my brokenness I lost my patience…I messed up. So as soon as it was appropriate, and before we left for the day, I fessed up: “sorry for my impatience, do you forgive me?”

This type of fessing up is a key Truth to any relationship. We are going to make mistakes, we are humans. The mistakes are actually the constant in life. The variable is what are we going to do with the mistakes we make.

This first truth to new relationships tells us we need to seek forgiveness, and then try to learn from our mistakes.

I asked forgiveness from my daughter, and I will try harder tomorrow morning to take some deep breaths and remind myself that yes it is busy in the morning, but it won’t help the situation by me loosing my patience. With God’s grace I can do better.

How about your life? Are you in the habit of fessing up with your messing up? If not, please start today, and see if it doesn’t transform your relationships!

>> Next, Simple Change #2: “Using the ‘F’ Word“

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4 Easy Steps to a Christmas {Emotional} Detox

By Jim, Christmas

‘Tis the season to be stressed out, fa la la la la, la la la la….

Really, as a therapist and coach I work with people who start stressing out about December as early as October. Something is wrong with that.

We need to learn how to unlock the peace that we all have within us and make this December (and the New Year) much less stressful. I know these four keys will help because I use them myself when I get stressed out.

1: Keep track of your time.

Track how much time is spent on a screen not related to work. Not in a shame based way, but in a factual way. Track it. Once you have this number then commit to cut that number in half and invest that time in activities that can start unlocking true peace: prayer, spending time with a good friend, playing a game with your children, watching a lit Christmas tree with your morning coffee (I love to do that), and the best one…start meditating!

2: Meditation. (Christians should meditate, too!)

Brain research show us that just six minutes of meditating can start to calm your brain and body!! Just six minutes. If we don’t have six minutes to invest in good mental and physical health, we are just too busy!

Meditating is an awesome way to unlock the peace within us. I absolutely love it! If you have never done it before, here is how this ancient practice works:

First, find a quiet space (this is tough for us part-time or full-time stay at home parents) so I usually do it when the kids are in school. If you home school, you may have to do it when you spouse comes home – talk to your spouse about that so that you can create a relatively quiet space.

Next, select a word or phrase that you can focus on. I love Jesus, and the word I meditate on is “Jesus.” I can’t find a better word than that. I have clients who meditate on the phrase: “I am loved by God,” “I can be clam,” or any phrase that will help us understand how much God loves us and desires that we live in Divine Peace

Then, start to say your word or phrase slowly, repeating it softly out loud. When we as humans finally slow down, I guarantee that a MAJOR FLOOD of thoughts will rush into our brains: what’s for supper, what about the bills, what about my marriage, how is my child doing, I need to check Facebook, etc., etc.

When that happens, simply have a semi-passive attitude toward those thoughts and go right back to your word or phrase repeating it softly out loud. That’s it! That is meditating. It takes practice, but everything worth doing takes practice. I have seen mediation kill stress and anxiety, and I know it can work for you! If you want to read about 2 other proven keys to unlock peace in your life, I invite you to read my second blog about this subject. Peace to you.

3: lower your expectation of your holiday celebrations by not using the word “perfect.”

Many of us put allot of stress on ourselves by thinking we need to have everything “perfect.”

How would it help to simply drop that unhealthy expectation and say to yourself “this year I am not going to worry about the ‘perfect’ party or celebration.”

In fact, in our house, I have banned the word “perfect” (especially during any holidays) unless we are talking about God’s perfect love for us because we are all God’s children!

The word “perfect” is banned because as soon as I say I am going to do something perfect, or expect something to be done perfectly, I have immediately set myself (and others) up for a failure because we are not perfect people…we make mistakes. Please ban this potentially dangerous word.

How much more peaceful would our Christmas celebration be if we dropped the unconscious idea that we have to have things “perfect?”

4: Meaningful gift giving.

Many of us are very stressed out about giving or getting the “perfect” gift. Once again, drop the word “perfect.” And, let’s all think about giving meaningful gifts this year. If your shopping is all done, you can apply this to next Holiday Season (or the next time you buy any gift for somebody).

Do you remember your best Christmas gift? Think about that…mine was given to me by my sister-in-law Colleen about ten years ago. I opened up a little magnet cow that attaches so nicely to the fridge and with it a note that said: the money I would have spent on you for Christmas was donated to a village in Africa through Heifer International. Wow, that gift changed the life of a village in Africa for years to come!

Maybe it’s time to stop the insanity of buying stuff made in China that we are going to throw away in three months thereby filling up our landfills, and instead give gifts that can literally change people’s lives for generations to come

Meaningful gifts can take many forms. To give a gift like I received, check out this website: www.heifer.org or think about gifting time together as opposed to a traditional day. I imagine you will have many creative ideas as you start thinking outside of the gift giving box :)

God bless your Holiday Celebrations with true Peace!

>> You may also find this article helpful: What to say to a friend who has lost a close loved one

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Grieving Through the Holidays

By Jim, Christmas, Effective Living, Healthy Relationships

“Happy Holidays!” … As Thanksgiving quickly approaches we will find ourselves in the midst of preparing for the number one season with words that are full of joy: “merry, happy, jolly, joy, etc,”

But what about the millions of people who find the Holiday Season very difficult? These words and this time can be very difficult for countless people. If you find yourself in this camp (as I have in the past) this blog is for you. I pray that these tips will be helpful for you as you navigate this very difficult season.

1) Grieving takes a lot of energy.

Therefore be gentle with yourself. Treat yourself like you would treat a friend…be kind to yourself.

Try this today: Write out “I am a precious child of God” (or “treat yourself like your best friend”) and place it on the mirror in your bathroom or bedroom. Or, load this message in your smart phone. Read it every day. This may help you to be gentle with yourself.

2) Use your time wisely.

Spend time with people who listen and validate your feelings, and give yourself permission not to spend time with those who don’t know what to say or those who say insensitive things.

Try this today: Call a friend who will listen, and talk with him or her. Let them listen to you and let them validate you. Also, give yourself permission not to talk with people who don’t understand.

3) Remember a good thing that your loved one would want for you.

So many times when I was grieving the loss of my mom (in 1995) or my dad (in 2005) I would remind myself: “What would Mom want for me right now?” or, “What would Dad want for me right now?” Because we believe our loved ones are with God we know that they would want us to feel the feelings of grief but not get consumed by those feelings. Our loved ones would want us to know that faith tells us we will see them again and that in the meantime God can heal us through the love of others.

Try this today: When you are sad, tell yourself it is okay to be sad; it is OK to cry. Then remind yourself of a good thing that your loved one would want for you.

4) Consider changing holiday routines.

Some traditions may be comforting, so keep them. But some traditions may be difficult, and you may lack the energy to do them. So give yourself permission to change them if you think God is calling you do to that.

Try this today: Talk with a safe loved one who can help you decide what rituals to keep and which ones to change.

I pray that these four tips will help the many people who will be grieving through the upcoming holiday season. For more tips on grieving through the Holidays please read my other two blogs: Grieving through the Holidays: Part 2 and Grieving through the Holidays: Part 3

> You may also find this article helpful: What to say to a friend who has lost a close loved one

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Grieving Through the Holidays: Part 2 of 3

By Jim, Christmas, Effective Living, Healthy Relationships

In my earlier blog I identified the first four tips for grieving through the Holiday Season. In this second blog I will continue that work and cover the next three tips. I pray that God will use these tips to help you or a loved one who may be grieving through the upcoming holidays.

5) God can turn our grief into gratitude.

This will take time, but it is true. Romans 8:28 tells us that all things work for the good for those who love God. If this is the first time reading that, please re-read it and memorize it. God loves us so much that by the power of the Holy Spirit, God will heal our grieving and will turn it into something that will work for the good. God can do this in many different ways. After there has been healing in life, we can expect that the Holy Spirit will bring somebody into our life who is grieving and who needs hope.

We have had Roman 8:28 moments in our life. The road to parenting was very difficult for us and when we finally did conceive, we ended up with several miscarriages (seven total). Now we give workshops and talk about healing issues and can be hope for others from the healing God granted us.

Try this today: Read Romans 8:28 and write down what it means for you in your grieving.

6) Make time for activities you used to enjoy.

I enjoy teaching and learning martial arts, and I try to go to class every Thursday evening; it is my “group therapy.” After my dad died in Nov. 2005, Thursday night came, and out of habit I went to martial arts. After coming home my wife asked me, “Did you have a good time?”

After a long pause I said, “No, I didn’t, but I went.” At certain times in the grieving process we have to do the things we used to like to do before our grieving started. But we have to balance that out with self-care as well, and it is a tricky balance. As we go through the grieving process, this balance can help.

Try this today: Take a moment to list some of the things you used to enjoy before your grieving started, and pray about which ones God wants you to do this week or this day. If you need to call a loved one to help you with the list of things you used to like to do.

7) Consider the way you view yourself.

You are not the problem; you are precious. Never make yourself the problem. Don’t believe any lies about yourself, and don’t ever tell yourself any lies. We all talk to our selves; that is normal. But we need to ask: are these positive or negative statements? Some common negative self-statements would be, “How could you be so stupid?” or beating yourself up with regrets (“If only I had told her before she died . . .”).

If you are saying these negative things, please stop. Then, start telling yourself some positive things about who you are: you are God’s child, God loves you, God cares for you, you are good and beautiful because God created you good and beautifully, etc.

Try this today: Tell yourself something positive right now! Also, if you use any negative statements (as listed above) please stop those today; they are not helping your healing, and they may indicate that you need to do more grief work.

I pray that these three tips will help the many people who will be grieving through the upcoming holiday season. For more tips on grieving through the Holidays please read my other two blogs. Grieving through the Holidays: Part 1 and Grieving through the Holidays: Part 3

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Jim

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“When you mess up, fess up.”

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1: Keep track of your time.

2: Meditation. (Christians should meditate, too!)

3: lower your expectation of your holiday celebrations by not using the word “perfect.”

4: Meaningful gift giving.

1) Grieving takes a lot of energy.

2) Use your time wisely.

3) Remember a good thing that your loved one would want for you.

4) Consider changing holiday routines.

Let’s keep in touch:

Other Popular Posts:

6) Make time for activities you used to enjoy.

7) Consider the way you view yourself.

Let’s keep in touch:

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