I recently wrote How To End Your Marriage in 3 Easy Steps for Women and well, turnabout is fair play. Time for the male perspective.
Again, this a satire piece meant to exaggerate the stereotypes of common marriage foibles. If you are having a rough patch in your relationship this may not be a good read for you right now. Relationships can be quite painful and as I have said before sometimes it is better for the health of the individual for a relationship to end.
With that said…
Marriage is tough.
If you want to put an end to your wedded bliss…here’s how in three easy steps.
1. Zero Dating Policy
Date night, a key ingredient in cultivating a thriving marriage. So, whatever you do, don’t ask her out on a date. She will ask, so you need to be prepared. First, limit your availability. This may require some planning on your part. You can avoid date night by extending your time away from home. Taking on extra projects at work or cultivating a time-consuming hobby are two ideas.
Make sure to schedule at least two weekends a month away from home. This can serve a dual purpose as you are limiting potential date nights and adding to her frustration of “always being the one who has to care for the kids.”
Second, if she hints that she would like a night out on the town, ignore her for a couple weeks. Then, let her know that next Friday you are planning a special date for the two of you. Instead of an evening at an upscale restaurant, “treat” her to the calming atmosphere a local sports bar, and proceed to complete ignore her presence by fully engaging your attention with all those fabulous big flat screens!
When she complains about the date, this is your opportunity to point out that “I don’t ask you out because you are never happy with what I plan.” Using these two strategies, you should be able to limit dating opportunities to one or less times a month.
2. Stone Walling
She is going to want to communicate with you. Avoid open, reciprocal communication. Don’t share your feelings or thoughts with her: keep it to yourself. If she invites you to disclose your thoughts and feelings, simply shrug your shoulders and say nothing. If she starts sharing with you, don’t make direct eye contact. Allow your eyes to glaze over and sigh frequently.
In addition to the above, when she starts talking, interrupt her repeatedly and offer advice, lots of advice. If she continues to converse about her problems, be sure to reiterate that “If you would do what I say you wouldn’t have so many problems.”
Then one-up her by letting her know how your problems are so much worse than hers. After all, it’s very stressful, being the “head of the household”. If she complains that you never listen say, “Yes, I do. You just don’t like what I have to say.”
3. Playing Helpless
The goal is to build up tension between the two of you by not helping-out around the house or with the kids. NEVER DO LAUNDRY! I repeat never, ever, do the laundry or for that matter dishes or general clean-up. You’d probably just screw it up anyway. An occasional taking out the trash should be okay and not cause to much damage to your intentions. But limit “your helpfulness” to 2 to 3 times a month.
After taking out the trash make sure to make a big deal about all you do to help-out around the house and then reward yourself with a little couch time watching TV or napping. Don’t forget to call for a beer once your settled into your comfy chair.
Make sure to leave your personal belongings strewn around the house. Throw your wet towel on the bedroom or bathroom floor. If you want to be especially irritating, disperse your shirts, socks, pants, underwear, etc. throughout the house or scatter them just outside the clothes hamper, and then ask why you never seem to have any clean clothes. Your objective is to spread yourself around the house so there is potential exasperation lurking around every corner.
Do not involve yourself in the care of the children. If you are implementing the stay away from home steps outlined in the zero-dating policy, this means that naturally you will be avoiding high stress times at home: predinner and bedtime. If she asks for a break from the children, make sure point out what a huge inconvenience it is for you to “babysit” the children and how you never get a break.
While she is gone, let the children trash the house. Do not clean up at all. Leave the mess for her. When she comes home, guilt her by making a big deal about all the work you did and casually mention how it would be kind of nice to come home to a warm meal more than once a week. This will likely lead to an argument. If this happens, simply throw your hands in the air and walk away while muttering, “I can never do anything right.”
Feel free to be creative and modify the steps as needed. You should start to see results in about a month.
You may have a change of heart. It has been known to happen. If find you want a happy wife, do the opposite. She’ll be smiling in no time!
Best of Luck!
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