Healthy Relationships

I recently got an email from a former student of mine who is now in college (yep feeling pretty old right about now…) asking me to give her some tips on working with Middle School students.  As I was writing down some ideas that work in the classroom… I thought hey…these are good tips for parents as well…because let’s face it… sometimes the only way to survive the Jr. High years of our kids is to band together, duck and cover, and hope we survive.

So here are some Junior High “survival” tips that have worked for me:

1. Remember who you are dealing with…tweenagers and baby-teenagers!  These are the kids that have one foot in both worlds… the kid world and the adult world.  Throw in some raging hormones and you got some good times!  One minute they are loud, crazy and obnoxious and then when you least expect it they do something extremely kind and thoughtful.

Don’t always take what they say to heart.  They are just starting to figure life out and many times parents and teachers get caught in the crossfire.  Why? Because we are the safe adults in their lives. And during a time when their bodies & lives are changing so much… they need safe & consistent adults in their lives.  They will just never admit it! :)

I figured out something a few years ago.  When it comes to the lovely Jr. Higher… pay attention to their actions… not necessarily their words.  If you tell them to do something and they complain or tell you they’re not going to…while they are doing what you asked… ignore the words… you’ve won the battle. They are just trying out that new thing called maturity and have no idea how or when to use it.  (I’ve come to secretly enjoy watching a student sputter on… “I’m not doing this assignment.  This is dumb…” as he is getting out his textbook and paper… to do the assignment. )

Now I realize that many of you are thinking… but what about teaching kids to be respectful?!?  And yes… I’m a BIG FAN of the respectful teenagers, but… there might be a better time to have that lesson… like when emotions aren’t running high. And believe me there will be plenty of opportunity to have those lessons! Absolutely expect your tweenager to help out and with a cheerful attitude. But also expect a few hissy fits because you had the audacity to expect him/her to work AND have a good attitude.  Sometimes you need to choose your battles, my friend, choose your battles.

2. Be consistent.  Kids love boundaries.  They crave them! (But again they will NEVER admit to this!) There is safety in knowing what the rules are and they will be enforced. BUT… it is also their nature to test and push those boundaries.

Figure out what are your core values–your “non-negotiables” –and hold firm to those. (BTW… the earlier in your kids’ lives you do this… the easier the battles are when they are older because the boundaries have already been established…a battle with a 3 year old is way easier than with a 13 year old…)

3. Spend time with your teenager. Yes… it will be hard to find time… they are BUSY.  Yes… they will roll their eyes at you or mope about it… but it’s THAT IMPORTANT.  Yes… they will push and buck against you “getting in their space” but this is a time in their lives they need you the most.

Trying how to figure out how do this?  Here are a few ideas:

• Utilize your car/van time.  Sadly for us, the “family supper” has become a rare occurrence with the sports/activities schedules of two teenagers.  But we have turned our “drive time” into time connecting with our kids. There have been many important conversations that have taken place in our vehicle.  One important factor to making this work… limit texting & headphone time.  It’s hard to carry on a conversation if your teenagers have headphones on the entire time. We have “no headphones or texting” times in our van.

• Go on a date with your baby-teen.  My son loves to do this since it usually means shopping for clothes for him.  I love it because we spend time talking in the van or over a meal.

• Tuck them in at night sometimes.  Yes… I mean your teenager.  (Probably not on the nights they have a friend over… or you will never hear the end of it.)  But every so often, go into their territory—their room—to say goodnight to them. It’s amazing the things you can learn from your teenager in the quiet, dark of a bedtime.  And if your teenager’s room looks anything like my teenager’s room, good luck getting back out of the room in one piece after the lights are out.

• Watch a movie or TV show together.  My son and I have a favorite TV show we always watch together. (Same goes for my daughter.)  Sometimes we let others in the family watch with us… and sometimes it’s just us.  It’s a very simple thing that creates a common interest.

4. Have fun with your tweenager.  When you can laugh with your Jr. High kid, it really helps balance the other times when living with them is not so enjoyable.  I have discovered my two kids are HILARIOUS!  My daughter and I love being silly and crazy together.  And unfortunately (for me) my son has discovered it’s much harder for me to get after him about something if he can get me to laugh (which he does way too much)!

5. Have high expectations. (I know this sounds like something that came from an inspirational poster… but it’s true!) Given the chance to prove their maturity and independence… the baby-teenager will amaze you with what they can do.  It is time for them to grow up… let them.  Give them more responsibility… more independence.  Yes there will be a learning curve… but that’s why they’re called the teenage years!

And… if you look at the Bible… God had a tendency to pick a certain group of people to do great and amazing things… teenagers! (Mary, David, Daniel…)  He knew that teenagers, given a chance, could do mighty things!

For those of you who have been through the Jr. High years with your kids and are alive to tell about… please share some other ideas with those of us that are still in the trenches!

 – Beth

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And how much should I sacrifice to make it happen?

I clearly remember the day my older daughter learned to climb the ladder of the play set in our back yard. She had just turned two, and I remember thinking, “There she goes!” It was another step on her road to independence, and I realized in a new way that one of my biggest jobs as a mom is to gradually let her go.

A big part of that job is helping her (and our other two children) navigate society’s expectations. Clearly, we all have a need to fit in, but as a parent I quickly learned that balancing our own values with cultural norms and pressures is a daily task. So, how important is it for us to see our kids “fit in”? And how much should we sacrifice to make it happen?

Huge questions with no simple answers.

But here are a few thoughts on how to approach them.

Know your own child.

Each child has her own personality, her own way of interacting with other children, and even her own level of tolerance for socializing. One may need lots of interaction with friends, while another may be content to spend time alone. In either case, our job as parents is to help each child grow into the person God has created her to be, recognizing personality traits and preferences and encouraging them to grow in wisdom and grace.

Connect with other parents.

It’s easier to get “the lay of the land” by socializing or getting to know other parents of your kids’ friends. This often happens on the sidelines of kids’ activities or while helping organize, chaperone, or facilitate a school (or homeschool) event.

By gathering other adult input on the social climate your child functions in, you can better help him with advice and perspective. For me, it’s always refreshing when I encounter another parent who shares my values (and I invariably discover that my daughter ISN’T the only 7^th grader without a Facebook account!).

Stay grounded. 

It is important to assess and affirm your own values, particularly in the face of the media-saturated culture we live in. Don’t be afraid to place limits on the kind of entertainment you will allow your children to access. This gets more difficult as kids grow older, and it calls for loving, measured dialogue and an emerging sense of trust.

It’s also important to acknowledge the power of advertising in making kids feel like outsiders. Any of us can feel left out if we don’t have the latest iPhone, the most stylish clothes, or the best sports equipment. And as parents, we want the best for our children, so it is tempting to go overboard in providing them these things.

But try to step back and consider the values of delayed gratification, being content with something that is good enough, and not constantly feeding their need to have more. It can be a tiring prospect, which is why we need to pray for God’s guidance and strength.

Acknowledge whose need it is.

In other words, is it important to your child that she fit in, or is it important to YOU? This is where we as parents need to examine our own motives, and maybe even our own past. It can be tempting to live through our kids, to try to give them the things we never had. But this places unfair expectations on them. There needs to be separation between their lives and our own.

Consider the meaning of “sacrifice.” 

Usually we use the word to connote “giving something up,” particularly time or money, in order for someone else to have something. In other words, how much money or time should I “sacrifice” to assure that my child fits in?

But when we consider the root meaning of “sacrifice,” which is actually “to make holy,” that’s another whole matter. Am I making a holy choice by giving of my time and/or my money to provide this opportunity or item for my child? Is this choice for my child’s good? Many times, the answer is yes. Other times it is no. We have to be in constant dialogue with God about these choices and open to the Spirit’s loving direction.

 

Yes, our children gradually move, a step at a time, out of our grasp and into the world around them. With grace and care, we will help them develop a true sense of themselves as cherished children of the Father who fit in beautifully in the kingdom of his Son. Now that is a sacrifice worth making!

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